Happiness Is NOT A Choice 😇

“Not everybody has to be happy all the time. That’s not mental health. That’s crap.”

~ Dr. Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy, Grey's Anatomy, Losing My Mind

The Entrance to Shaare Zedek Hospital

Last Monday was so not “a good day for a good day.”

No Pinterest board or preachy message from a family on a home improvement show was going to convince me it was.

So when a total stranger started lecturing me about how beautiful life is, I started to crumble.

I told him I was tired. He asked why.

I tried to brush it off by saying, “from life.”

He told me I should be grateful. Some people can’t walk, or talk, or hear, or (and this is the one that really got me) see.

What he didn’t know was that I was on my way home from the hospital eye clinic, where I’ve been spending a lot of time lately (including a nightmarish trip to the ER). Sometimes three or four times a week (though I just miraculously managed an eight day break).

The appointments drain the life out of me, and the whole situation has been frustrating and absolutely terrifying.

That man had no idea what I’ve been dealing with, and he never will. And it is absolutely none of his business.

I give him credit though. He left me speechless. Not an easy feat.

Yes, I am in charge of how I feel.* But that day, I was not going to choose happiness.

Here’s why:

First of all, happiness is not a choice. Nor, in spite of what I said earlier, * are we truly in charge of how we feel.

Can we really choose to be happy when we’ve been stuck in traffic for three hours, we’re carsick, and it’s over 100 degrees outside?

Or when a loved one has died?

Or when the chemicals in our brains have other plans?

“Not everybody has to be happy all the time. That’s not mental health. That’s crap.”

We’re not robots. We are living, thinking, feeling creatures.

As Meredith Grey so beautifully puts it:

“It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier healthier life. As children we are told to smile, be cheerful, and put on a happy face.

As adults we are told to look on the bright side, to make lemonade, and see glasses as half full.

Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Your health can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It's in these moments, when you just want to get real, to drop the act, and be your true scared unhappy self.”

~ Dr. Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy, Shiny Happy People

Which is why taking to social media and declaring that you're “choosing joy” or “deciding to be happy” is 1) showing your privilege and 2) dismissive of the feelings and experiences of others and 3) just downright braggadocious and cruel.

As is telling somebody experiencing tremendous pain to look at the bright side.

As is glamorizing the struggles of others by talking about how happy they are in spite of whatever they’re going through. (Eg: This parent can’t afford to feed their children, and their toddler desperately needs an expensive operation, and yet they start every day with a smile. I don't know how they do it!)

Seriously though, happiness would have been a rather odd and inappropriate response to the way things were going last Monday, don’t you think? I mean, it wouldn’t be normal. How scary would it have been if I’d plastered on a smile and started spouting positive platitudes, as if I’d gone back in time and joined EST.

Note: This doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for all I have. Not at all. That’s the beauty of humans. We can feel multiple emotions at once, and happiness and gratitude, though sometimes, related, are not one in the same.

Remember the Grey’s Anatomy episode (yes, I'm turning to Meredith again because she has so much to say on this topic) “Tell Me Sweet Little Lies," where a patient is hospitalized for possible complications from a new heart valve? And yet, she’s happy as can be.

All. The. Time.

And nobody thinks this is normal. Or tolerable. Not the medical staff. Not her new husband.

Nobody.

Meredith even wonders if the patient is on drugs.

Turns out, the patient isn't actually happy. Or on drugs. Yeah, she's got a brain tumor.

A brain tumor that's not allowing her to make choices about how she feels.

So…

Anyway, back to my point.

Happiness is not superior to or more important than any other emotion.

All emotions are valid. All emotions deserve to be recognized.

All emotions are valid. All emotions deserve to be recognized.

Imagine a life where we only ate dessert. Would that be healthy? Would we even appreciate the sweetness?

Healthy food is not only necessary, it's delicious, too (even Brussels sprouts, especially when roasted in cast iron with lots of garlic).

Now. Please don’t think I don’t value happiness. Or that I am, to borrow more from Grey's Anatomy, always "dark and twisty."

You might think, after reading this far, that maybe I, like Meredith, should smile more.

Okay, happy now? 😜

Sorry to disappoint, but the truth is, I'm pretty passionate and enthusiastic, and I'd argue that happiness is my default setting.

Sometimes, though, I look like this.

Me With Sofie After a Rough Day

Sometimes, I feel like this:

And that is okay.

Where would a life of constant happiness get us? Would we ever be motivated to get out of unsafe or unhealthy situations? Would we have any motivation to not stay in sucky jobs and relationships? Would we want find better?

Happiness may not be a choice. Yet, under the right conditions, doing things that will bring us happiness and joy can be.

I got my dog Sofie during another time I was down in the dumps and, as I told my mother, “I’m going to do something to make myself feel better. I don’t know what. But when I figure it out, I’m doing it. So don’t argue with me.”

Writing the first page of the first book I ever wrote was an attempt to heal after my life was threatened. A few months after I wrote that one page, I finished the book during my first experience participating in NaNoWriMo.

I took my first self-defense class because, to put in bluntly, I was in danger. Taking that one class eventually led me to a community and a career. It’s because of that one little class that I found karate.

Because of all these things I mentioned, I’ve found people and activities that bring me joy.

But feeling that joy is not something I choose. I work my ass off for it, whether it be sitting at my computer cranking out thousands of words at a time, or doing a difficult self-defense or karate move over and over again, even after a long day, sometimes having to battle the serious emotional demons of past trauma.

And Sofie?

I found beauty outside of the ER. See? Not totally dark and twisty.

Well, I wouldn’t trade her for anything. But taking care of her and her brother Peet, who both have special needs, is a ton of work. The joy of having them in my life has a price. I’m happy to pay it. But it’s a price nonetheless.

The ability to climb out out of dark pits miles deep into the earth, often holding on by our fingernails, always has a cost.

There's no magic wand. There's no switch.

Nine times out of ten, happiness must be earned. And when we earn it, happiness means so much more.

I know what it’s like at the bottom of the world’s deepest, darkest pits. So I know what happiness is, and I won’t cheapen my definition of the word with platitudes.

I know what it’s like at the bottom of the world’s deepest pits. So I know what happiness is, and I won’t cheapen my definition of the word with platitudes.

I know what it means to have a bad day. So I understand the value of a good day, and my standards for what constitutes a good day are pretty high.

And I won’t apologize for that, or let anyone imply that I am not grateful.

I am grateful. I'm grateful for the sound of my dogs drinking water. I'm grateful for YouTube videos that distract me and make me laugh. I'm grateful for the two giant pieces of plastic I put into my eyes every morning so I can function, and the wonderful medical care I'm getting. The list goes on.

But I am dealing with a lot of painful situations right now. Some won't get better. I need and deserve space and time to accept that.

I need time to be sad.

I need time to worry before I can be happy.

So here’s how I’ve been looking at life since that icky Monday:

I am not necessarily in charge of how I feel. How I feel isn't always up to me.

Today, I choose to acknowledge that all of my emotions and feelings are valid and important.

Today is a good day to do what I need to do for my emotional, physical, and mental health.

And to those of you who are also way deep down in a pit, I say:

If doing what you need looks like this, please, please, please don't think you're not strong. Recognizing, feeling, and validating our emotions takes more strength than we realize. Please don't let anyone cause you guilt or shame, or make you feel lesser.

My dear readers,

Today, I do not have to give into the pressure to be shiny and happy.

Remember. Neither do you.

That is my unpopular opinion.

Thank you for reading! How am I now? You can read an update here.

What are your thoughts on choosing happiness? What choices have you made that have brought you joy?